These pesky anxiety provoking inquiries lead us far away from the present moment and propel our minds into a dismal future that does not exist, usually playing off the things we care about the most.

Meta-communication (Getting Above the Conversation)

• Interrupting the cycle, do something different!

1. Stand in the tub/ Put your underwear on your head/ Continue the conversation while doing a puzzle together, break from the normal pattern of communication by changing one aspect of the communication.
2. Recognizing that you only have to change one piece of the pattern to get above it.

Couples Conference (Reflective Listening)

• Listening to understand not to respond.

1. Each partner gets a set amount of time (5, 10, 15 minutes)
2. Speak from your experience, what are you feeling in the moment?
3. After the speaker is done describing their experience the listener recounts what they heard.
4. The speaker has the opportunity to confirm if the listener understood correctly or if they need to clarify something then the listener repeats step 3.
5. Once the speaker feels heard, swap roles and the time restarts.
6. General rule: This is not supposed to “solve” anything, this is for you both to have vulnerable conversations in a safe manner and be heard.

Clarifying Questions

• Our experiences and perceptions are different, so my “little ways away” (3 miles) is not their “little ways away” (15 miles.)

1. Do you feel lost and frustrated, confused and possibly assumptive?
2. Check in with your partner by using something like “I just want to check in, this (topic) means this to me, and I am curious what (topic) means to you because I want to understand.
3. Blatantly state “Hey I have a clarifying question” to telegraph your intent.

Externalizing Language

• Perceiving problems as separate from people

1. “I do certain things because I have anxiety” (Internalizing)
2. “What has the anxiety gotten me to do that is against my better judgement?” (Externalizing)
3. Problems do not live in the people but in the situations that are created.
4. Give the problem you both face as a couple a name, highlight how it is interacting with you individually and with your relationship.
5. “I feel like the (Problem) is trying to get us to work against each other, when are times that the (Problem) could have taken over but we kept it from getting in between us?”

Nightly Gratitude  

• The day can be stressful and it can be difficult to see the good that still exists in your lives, use Nightly Gratitude to highlight what you appreciate about the other partner and remind yourselves that difficulties are not the entire truth of your experience.

1. Make a routine out of it! As you both get ready for bed, or during dinner, or whatever works best!
2. Say what you are grateful for either about the other person, what they did for you, or what about the relationship you are grateful for.

Date Night

• Quality time for you both to spend together, strengthening emotional intimacy, and setting aside time for the relationship.

1. Have a conversation about what a date means to both you. (Clarifying conversation)
2. Have a conversation about what would be meaningful to both of you.
3. Agree on a specific night (does not have to be every week) that you will dedicate to date night.
4. Go out, stay in, whatever as long as you agree that you are doing it for the relationship.

Things to Watch Out For

What ifs:

• These pesky anxiety provoking inquiries lead us far away from the present moment and propel our minds into a dismal future that does not exist, usually playing off the things we care about the most.

Self-Care:

• In order to be there for others it’s also important to take care of ourselves. Show yourself appreciation for the work that you have been putting in and engage in either an activity, exercise, hobby, practice, or interest that “refills” your cup and acknowledges your self-worth.