3 Steps for Redefining Co-Parenting Relationships After Divorce

Change and transitions in life typically present us with a significant amount of
discomfort and anxiety. This experience can be exacerbated when that change involves a
separation from a romantic partner or the reconfiguration of a family dynamic. When a
marriage or long term partnership ends with children involved, the individuals involved find
themselves in a unique scenario in which their relationship is not merely ending but being
renegotiated to provide effective coparenting for their children. This is certainly no small feat
and can be complicated by lingering feelings towards one another from the relationship
whether those be romantic or resentment. In “Mom’s House, Dad’s house: A complete guide for
parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried” by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. reviews multiple steps
for disconnecting from Intimacy when co-parenting, today we will be looking at 3 of these
recommendations.

1. Move from an Intimate to Business Relationship

 Dr. Ricci notes that a business relationship has the following characteristics,
“courteous, relatively formal, low-key, public, and respectful” (Ricci, p.89, 1997)
 Dr. Ricci elaborates on the behaviors many of us exhibit in working relationships,
in working relationships it’s expected to hold boundaries, keeping our personal
matters out of business dealings, and sticking to an agreed upon structure for
agreements and meetings.
 By choosing to engage with your co-parent from a business relationship you can
help to create distance from the previous iteration of the intimate relationship
and focus on building one with a common goal of effective parenting.

2. Show your Coparent Respect

 Similarly to working with a co-worker who we don’t get along with the
relationship still requires mutual respect.
 It is imperative to regulate ones emotions when working with others and the
same goes for co-parenting with an ex spouse, Dr. Ricci notes that if we were
treat someone with “rudeness, sarcasm, or threats […] could you keep your job if
you acted this way at work?” (Ricci, p.90, 1997)
 By approaching co-parenting from this perspective we not only promote more
effective communication and one is also modeling appropriate behavior for your
children when it comes to working with others.

3. Be Patient and Expect to feel Conflicted

 For many it may feel “fake” or conflicting to be treating an ex so formally
whether that be feelings of romance or resentment remaining from the previous
iteration of the relationship.
 Over time emotions will eventually follow behavior and result in feeling more
congruent with the treatment of the other co-parent.
 Remember this civility and cooperation is for the benefit of your children and the
overall family system, though it may feel incongruent at first it may very well yield better long lasting results than getting fleeting moments of satisfaction from resentful behavior.

Ricci, I. (1997). Mom’s House, Dad’s house: A complete guide for parents who are separated,
divorced, or remarried. Simon & Schuster.

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