Why Adult Friendships Can Feel So Complicated

Have you found that in adulthood making and maintaining close friendships has become challenging? Maybe you even find yourself withdrawing socially? Or simply having trouble making new friends? The evolution in friendships throughout adulthood can be one that leaves many individuals questioning themselves. The truth is, you are not alone. There are a few crucial shifts that occur in adulthood that drastically impact our social lives and the way we prioritize friendship.

The first step is acknowledging the significant shift in social environments as you transition out of academic settings of our youth. Whether it be high school or college, the primary focus in academic settings is fostering social connection and networking. A large part of our interpersonal identity is formed in crucial friendships that are formative in aspects of our character and development, that last well into adulthood. From pre-school through higher levels of education, every move made is around forming social connection, getting to know ourselves in the context of our social environments, and exploring preferences in relationship types and quality. This drive to connect socially is a lasting developmental marker, however the intensity of it shifts with time. As we begin to observe ourselves in these settings and relationships, we begin forming solidified preferences, increased confidence in our personal identity, and external interests.

The subsequent shift in adulthood, is from academic to work force, homemaking, or other professional endeavors. This begins to narrow our social circle based on lifestyle or professional compatibility. The majority of our access to other adults is through similar environments, such as professional or parenting. Gone are the days of being shoved into a dorm full of future teachers, engineers, musicians and, doctors; and hello to the days of shared office walls with individuals who range in age, but play similar professional roles. Proximity to diversity of interests begins to evolve in to shared interests and lifestyles as we hone our craft and refine our network.

Making new friendships, is developmentally no longer the top priority, the way it was in adolescence. We no longer need friendship in the same way we did while we were learning to explore the depths of who we were yet to become. Although we need friendship as adults, we simply don’t lean on it with the same drive and purpose we once did. As we settle into careers, find romantic partners, and begin families; friendships becomes something to complement our lives, not a core identity marker.

This does not change the fact that we still need social connection in order to live a healthy and fruitful life. In fact, adult friendships are crucial to our mental wellbeing. However acknowledging that the priority is not what it once was, additional intentionality has to be set aside for cultivating these friendships. Finding like-minded individuals, who foster self-expression, connection, and mutual support is an important part of managing demands of lifestyle changes. Nurturing friendships old and new, may not have the same unlimited availability it once had. However grabbing coffee with a co-worker, laughing over the phone with an old friend, or going on a walk with a fellow parent, can be a great starting place.

Remember, different doesn’t mean less important. It simply means as our lifestyles change and as we personally evolve, so must our social environments. Understanding the very natural shift in adult friendships and prioritization can help reduce shame and stress around changes to social climate. Finding ways to nurture what makes you feel connected during each stage of adulthood, will ensure your social life blooms just as fruitfully as your personal or professional world.